Fun in Nürnberg.

big o jet airliner... don't carry me too far away.

or do.
yes please.




as of monday, i:

• am M.I.A.
• gone for 2 months.
• won't exist in the blogging world.

i can't wait to get back and tell you what i've been doing. 

email me if you want updates!

adios amigos.

love,

me.

pride and fear

as usual, God has been working so much. i preached this week. yes, you read that correctly, i PREACHED yesterday. it was only about 10 minutes, but it was a message, and it was from God.

so. intense.

David Gava gave us the assignment to prepare a 10 minute message on the Kingdom of God and he told us that he would sporadically call on people. of course, he never did and on friday morning before he left he picked my friend Jessica. i was supposed to go second, but luckily he couldn't find me. so i've just been biding my time, thinking the leaders wouldn't keep calling on me, but wednesday they opened up the floor for anyone who felt they should go.

nobody went.

then caleb and lucy were pointing at me, and i knew that if someone didn't volunteer i would be on the chopping block.

so i stood up. and then thought to myself, what the hell did i just do?!

i prayed that the holy spirit would fill me up with the message and that i would just flow without thinking about what was going on. boy, did the holy spirit flow. i wasn't scared at all, and it was kind of an adrenaline rush! here's what i spoke about:

Matthew 13:44-46 the parable of the hidden treasure and the pearl. i read this, and new exactly what i wanted to say. both parables talk about selling all your possessions to obtain something really great. if the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure that it worth selling on all your belongings to buy it, why am i too afraid to get up in front of my peers to talk about the love of Jesus? we should be willing to lay down everything we have to obey God and do the work of the kingdom. not laying down my fears is just a form of pride, that i am too proud to swallow my fear an go for it. it's like saying God isn't good enough. we should be willing to follow Christ with reckless abandon.

this is the condensed version, but you get the drift. God has really been breaking me of my pride. James 4:10 - Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.

i ended the whole she-bang with "...and that's all i have to say." it was weird because, i had one more point to make, but i was just done.

where's waldo? (for my momma)

this is where i live.
and these are the people i live with.

100 points to the person who finds me first!

it's been a while.

i recently realized how long it has been since i posted something worthwhile on here. the past two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of emotions, learning, busyness, and God.

we had the privilege of hearing David Gava for not one, but two weeks. he spoke on the holy spirit and spiritual warfare. i have learned so much! it's absolutely incredible how when you open your heart to God how much he will continue to pour out his love and wisdom on you. all you need is willing heart, and God is guaranteed to show up in mighty ways.

the past two weeks have been a week of firsts for me. the Holy Spirit has been moving in such a mighty way. i've never experienced anything like it. we've been worshipping everyday as a community -- not just the dts, but all the base staff as well. the leadership felt that God was leading them into a season of worship because He had some new things to reveal to them through that. boy, did he reveal himself. i've been in worship where i've gotten caught up in all the hooplah, and that it NOT how this worship has been. there was more than one day where i did not feel like being there, and i didn't feel like God was there. however, when you show up and worship with all your heart regardless of what you 'feel' and regardless of what else is going on, God will show up. in the end, does it really matter though? God is always God -- and he is always good -- and he always deserves to be praised. He deserves to be praised in the good times as well as the bad. (and that's what we'll be doing in Heaven, so get ready!)

let's just start with tuesday november 15th. my heart was heavy, very heavy. i started crying during worship and i felt like i needed to pray for my family. after david spoke, i went to my room to just pray. i also felt like i was supposed to be fasting for an unrelated issue. there was just so much going on. luckily, my one-on-one got me a meeting with David for me to baptized int he Holy Spirit. (please don't get hung up on this, it was my choice and NOBODY told me i needed to, just to clarify.) i called my parents to make sure everything was ok, and it was... so i went to work duty and then met with David. in the meeting david prayed for me... and gave me a prophetic word. it was so encouraging and uplifting, i'm not going to type it all out, but i wrote it in my journal. one big thing was just about giving up my control and to quit trying to control my life. if i give up control, Jesus will continue to pour out His wisdom and understanding in me. when i told him i was southern baptist, he was SO EXCITED. he loves that the baptists are so grounded in the word and know the word of God so well. I know you all will love that!! :)

so the next week and a half went up from there. giving control to God and praying, seeking, and thirsting for more. this week also revealed to me a new mentor. she is one of the elders on the base and her name is lucy. she is a woman full of God's wisdom and discernment. she also gave me a word, on wednesday, along the same lines as david's, but more focused on thirsting for God, truly needing him, and finding my identity in him and not in the world.

...and now my brain is mush from trying to think about and process this more.
so there will be more soon. tomorrow.
for now i will leave you with this wonderful picture of me and a few of the roomies.



i cherish you all.
be blessed.

german peanut butter...

...is apparently american?!

a flag AND lady liberty... dream big.


*this week has been so emotional, i am not capable of writing a blog post. what's my way of remedying that? a funny post about nothing important at all.

love and miss you all.
happy friday.

i'm famous!

no. but really....

one of the guys here did a moving portrait project for critique night staring yours truly and seven other people.

check it out:

i swear i do more than skype and take pictures... i swear.

i have been so blessed by the speakers we've had throughout this DTS. i have learned so much and God has definitely changed my heart. so, as promised, here's a few thoughts:

- ebenezer and jehovah girah (spelling) they mean, God has provided and and God will provide. our speaker, Tim Heathco spoke on both of these names during a workshop. with ebenezer he encouraged us to commemorate the things that God has done and the revelations he's given us by something special, like a painting, song, picture, tattoo, etc. jehovah girah is a name to remind us of what he has already done as encouragement for what he will do. it was very interesting.

- conversion vs. discipleship. Tim also spoke on how important it is for us to disciple people. to live among them, meet them at their place in life and show them God's love through actions as opposed to 'turn or burn.' along the same lines, he challenged us with the term 'developing nations'. what is a developing nation to you? most likely, the most economically developed nations are what you're thinking about. what does God view as a developing nation? it probably has nothing to do with money, but the work it is doing for the Kingdom.

- the leader of the base, Jan Schlegal, spoke for a few days two weeks ago. he spoke on passion and the passion we have for our art and through our art for God. looking back on the past 8 weeks, i don't have much art to show for it. i was somewhat discouraged throughout his talks because it made me realize how lukewarm i am. i love photography, but i'm not really passionate about it... so what am i passionate about? i have no clue. this is nothing new for me, i feel like i've struggled with my identity and what i love since i graduated high school. it's discouraging because discovering my passions was one HUGE reason why i decided to do a DTS. this morning God gave me a revelation about that... He brought me here to work on my heart, not my art. You know what? i am so okay with that. i have learned so much about myself, and my heart, i know that the rest will come. i do love photography, but i think it's more of a hobby thing for me, not a professional thing. it is a wonderful outreach tool and it's wonderful to be able to record my story in a creative way, but i need to focus on Him and have a heart for Him before i can be passionate about anything else.

...and that's all you're getting today.

i've been getting so much mail, praise Jesus! i love mail so much. thanks to all of you who have been sending me pictures, encouragements, etc.

skype dates, halloween, and a short update.

i got to talk to granny...

...and joe. mom put him on speaker phone and we chatted for a few minutes...

mom had whataburger! someone send me whataburger NOW!

me and a roomie dressed up as kiss for a zombie party that we had on base.

there has been so much going on around here. i have been super busy and super lazy all at the same time. even though i don't stay up late, or do a lot in the evenings, sitting in lecture and going to meetings all day leaves me really tired mentally.

i have my outreach group so i've also been meeting with them. i can't write anything about that on here, but you are more than welcome to email and i can tell you a bit more, or talk to my parents. i'm very excited about my outreach group - i know God has so much in store for us and has a wonderful plan.

we've had two or three great speakers since i've written on here and i so wish i could write everything that i've been learning. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH!! i'm working on processing right now and i will update as i have time to write all the thoughts down.

i've been getting so much mail, praise Jesus! i love mail so much. thanks to all of you who have been sending me pictures, encouragements, etc.

i know i haven't been keeping in touch with everyone, and for that i sincerely apologize. 

i love you all.

I never knew...

...what fall looked like, until I moved to Germany.

"you make beautiful things. you make beautiful things out of love."

where to begin.

first of all, i know that should be a question mark and not a period on the title. i did it on purpose (grammar rebel, yea.)

secondly, i'm sick... at home... so i figured i should put my down time to good use and write a post.

no on to the 'good' stuff:
as i'm sure that you have noticed, i have had many revelations in the past 7 weeks about the character of God and his love for me as his child. i wish so much that i could put into words all the things that are bouncing around in my head just waiting to be processed, sorted through, and put into action. several hours a day, five days a week is quite a bit of information. i expected to go into a spiritual high when i came here, but thankfully that didn't happen. (i'm fairly sure that i'm immune to spiritual highs at this point in my life.) i have been changed in ways that i can never go back. there has been a shift in my heart that will never be shifted back. this is a new beginning for me.

me and two of my friends here have talked about what we're going to do after this DTS... i'm becoming daily more aware that it would be impossible to go back to my old life. i knew this would be a career move for me when i entered YWAM, i don't think that i realized what exactly that meant until recently. with the love of Christ come passion... how can you not be passionate about a God who loves as much as God does? passion on the other hand requires action.

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything i have commanded you. and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
-- Matthew 28:18-20

he didn't say go when you have all the money you need. he didn't say go until you get married. he didn't say go when the time is 'right'. What does that even mean, anyway?! he just said go. he also didn't say it had to be halfway around the world, or across the country, or just to the needy countries. i happen to believe that God has a specific place in his ministry for every single person. whether it be the one to support people in the needy nations, or the one to work with the kids who live across the street from you, or the one who is going into a war torn country to show people the hope they can have in Jesus. there is a place for everyone and all that you a required to do is ask him where, listen to his answer, and obey. it's that simple.

if you truly believe that God loves you just as much as he does his one and only son, which he does - he loves you just as you are HIS son or HIS daughter, then how can you NOT share that with everyone you come in contact with.

a preach all this to say, that i definitely feel like my life is headed in the direction of missions. do i know exactly where? no. do i know exactly what my life will look like after dts? no. do i have a plan? no. the only thing i know is this: DTS is just the beginning.

stay tuned.

short hair is so wonderful....

...until the day you start working on a mullet. the thought never crossed my mind that this is what would happen in the in-between stage of short and not short when you don't have a hairdresser available.

i believe that day was sometime in the last seven weeks.

please pray that God will make my hair grow fast. i have eight weeks of proof that he can do so much more than we can possibly imagine, so i have complete faith that if i pray about it, God will provide.
so pray pray pray my prayer warriors.

much thanks.

and good night.

hmmm...

pictures like this on my facebook newsfeed are not helping the homesick issues. 

Go God.

god is good, yea?

he is. i just want to share a few things that God is teaching me currently. i really wish that i could write everyday about these things, but honestly i rarely have time. it’s frustrating because i barely have to process what i need to internally, much less record it all for others to read about.

1. the unconditional love of christ.
2. worship
3. passion

the unconditional love of christ, is just that, unconditional. i should already know this. theoretically, you should only have to hear this once. however, i’m human, so give me a break. it’s wonderful to know that no matter what we do, whether we disobey, ignore, or hear God wrong he always loves us. if we fall, we fall right back into his arms and his love. this is wonderful news. no matter what, God loves us and is constantly seeking a relationship with us. he is seeking us out. he is chasing after us. he is the ultimate pursuer. can i get a amen? he is interested in the same things i’m interested in -- just like wanting to play solitaire with be. he wants to be where i am, doing whatever i’m doing with me.

worship. what is it? what does it look like? how do we do it? we haven’t had a speaker talk about this, but for a solid week this topic came up everyday. here’s what i’ve been learning. worship can be something that we do all day everyday, but i think that it goes deeper than that. yes, we can be in a constant state of prayer and conversation with God throughout the day, but worship is different than that. worship is praising God with everything in us. so many songs that we sing talk about how we need God to give us something, but that’s not worship. it is being completely enthralled by his presence that you can do nothing else but tell him how wonderful he his. you can doing but soak up his presence without questions or conversation. God wants this with us, but how often do we put him on the back burner, or clog up the whole process with things we need, or want.

lastly, passion. passion for God, passion for art, and how those two things fit perfectly together. passion is so important in life. passion for God should just come from knowing how much he loves and cares about you. seriously, the love of God is such an intimate thing - he wants to spend time with you, listen to gripe and complain, and just hold you. it's like he's the ultimate mate. oh wait, HE IS! holy smokes, i just had a revelation. how can you NOT be passionate about someone like that. passion for art is something a little bit different. it takes work. and i little bit of suffering. it requires that you give something up, like time. you sacrifice other things so you have time for the dark room or to go out and shoot. through that process you learn to love it more than ever. you discover that you enjoy giving up things so you can increasingly get better at what you love. when you get that passion, that passion it shows. it shows in your actions towards others, your art, your overall demeanor. people notice it. what better way to tell people about Jesus than them asking you why you are so joyous.


and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
stay tuned.

skyping.

i expected to skype with hillery, and i got michelle, emma, and kynlee. BONUS!!

loved getting to see these faces. it totally made my whole entire day!

home sick.

i've found myself missing family so much in the past week. i wish i could just snap and be home whenever i want.




i love them.

a collection of randomness....

me, jan, and julie in the lab:

 meet mary, she's a mobile student i shot for my portrait project:



 

 

i bought a head lamp... never thought i'd see the day:




skyped with mrs. hillery stevens earlier. it totally made my entire day.

God is good.

oh hey y'all, i'm alive.

hello everyone. i apologize for being so distant as of late. the past two weeks have been super hectic, so i have a lot to share with all of you. first of all, i want everyone to know how much i miss you and how much i want to talk to everyone. with that being said, it is just not possible. i want to skype with so many of you, but i really just don’t have all that much time. i also don’t have internet where i live anymore, so that means i have to stay at the castle until late because i’m a full seven hours ahead of all of you lovely people. then that means i have to walk twenty minutes in the dark, through the forest. this just does not work for me on a daily basis. i also work in the darkroom in the evenings. to sum it up... i love you and would love to talk to you, but please please please do not be offended or feel like i’m shrugging you off if i don’t make time for you.

secondly, donna jordan. what about her, you ask? she is amazing. she taught week before last week on hearing the voice of God. if you’ve been reading my blog you are probably aware, this is totally new experience for me. she introduced us to different ways of hearing his voice and different things that keep us from fully discerning what he is saying. we did so many exercises on asking him random questions and seeing what he said to us. one time, she asked us to ask God what game he wanted to play with us and why. it seemed really random; however when i asked, i immediately got solitaire. i thought, really God? is that really you? he answered, yes. you play solitaire a lot and i would love to talk to you while you play. it’s also your favorite game and i want you to do what you like doing.
God is good, amen?

thirdly, last week. whew. what a week. we had a speaker that works in thailand. to be honest i was so overwhelmed by photo assignments and other things i really didn’t get anything out of the lecture. i was so stressed out. the enemy was attacking, not only me, but our room, and everyone else on base. i didn’t sleep well, and when i was asleep i had dreams - and not the good kind. i ended up talking to amy, the leader of the photojournalism track about things. she was the unfortunate one that asked me how things were going and i just spewed everything out onto her. she advised me that i should really talk to God about what he wants to teach me through my photography. so i talked to him during my work duty -- cutting vegetables in the kitchen. i asked him what he wanted to teach me and he answered this... you will never be productive and satisfied with your work if you don’t make time for me before.

what a revelation, right? i always knew this already but it’s so funny because that is exactly what i had been doing all week. so naturally, this is still what i’m working on. making time for him before i start my day.

lastly, in some of the same theme as aforementioned... i'm totally discovering a new way of doing my art. i came here with the expectation of learning more photography and not as much God. that has not been the case, at all. through my relationship with God, i create art. it's just another form of worship and putting God at the forefront of my life. 



aaand there’s way more to say.

coming soon to a web page near you.

Just trying to make you jealous.

No big deal.

This is where I walk daily to the castle.

one voice.

hey everyone!

i have a request.

our speaker this week, Mr. Stephen Goode has shown us a website that he is involved in called One Voice.

it's a way for everyone from all the nations can pray together... 

this is a wonderful resource!

please got to onevoice.tearfund.org and register* and pray.

DO IT NOW!

ok? 

thanks.

i love you all so much!

*click register

enter you email and make a password.

click star praying.

then start praying.

i have an announcement.

after much deliberation, i decided to join to the photojournalism track. this is something that has been on my mind since week one. i don’t really like writing, but i talked to the leader about it and she just really reassured me of several apprehensions that i had including:

• writing. i write like i speak. which is typically grammatically incorrect.  her response: that’s totally ok! i had mentioned being back in college again. 

she said that that wasn’t the goal at all. i would have freedom to write however i wanted, and she would be there to help write in a more readable way. that doesn’t, however, mean i would be forced to write just like her.

• i bought a film camera specifically for this dts.  

her response: i can’t use film for photojournalism right now because we haven’t learned how to scan our negatives yet. once we do, i will be able to use it again. i love film. it is so much fun to shoot and develop, but with only 3 enlargers and 12 people it gets really stressful. i don’t want to be worrying about a photo assignment and not getting as much out of lecture. i don’t want this to sound like a convenience thing because it’s not. my boundaries are still going to be pushed and i’m going to have to step out of my comfort zone for this track as well.

it is really encouraging to be around so many artists at one place. i joke about what kind of a group we must look like to our speakers. we have people sketching other people, doodlers, knitters... all doing what they love while listening to the speaker. stories of last week coming as soon as i get a minute to type them out.

(i should also point out, in light of the recent change to photojournalism, please don’t judge me by how i write on here. nothing... and i literally mean, NOTHING is proofread. i do not have the time for that.)

This is how I walk home everyday. God is good!

I can't wait to share what we did today!! Get ready because it's coming soon.

Love and miss you all.
Be blessed.

WAHOOO!

i got four, count them: 1-2-3-4, letters today!
it totally made my day.


....and i cried when i read the one from my mom.
i miss home and i love it here all at the same time!

numero tres

so the brandonburg gate....

read part 1 and part 2 first, before this, if you haven't already.

i apologize for how long this is taking me to finish, there is just so much to tell and so little time to actually sit down and type it all out.

we played at the brandonburg gate with a give and take box. instead of just a box to give us money, we had a sign to tell everyone that you could take money if you want to. you should have see all the looks we got from people. it was crazy. we played to guitar and worshipped amidst all the people there and it was a completely new experience. we talked to several ladies who were asking for money and searching the trash for recyclables. there were both so grateful and couldn't understand why were doing this.

after about a little bit, nancy felt like she wanted to go to the grocery store to get food so we could eat with people in the park. so me, her, and menna all went to go get things while the other two stayed and played and sang. we ended up getting about 20 buns, some sausages, capri sun, and cakes. (side note: the have capri sun here!! it reminds me of elementary!) we went and got the other two and decided to move to alexsanderplatz.

alexsanderplatz was a such a dark place. immediately when we got there we were all overcome with tiredness. we had also packed lunch at Jesus Haus, so we decided to sit and eat. i was praying the whole time seeing if i felt led to talk to any specific person or group. at one point the was a group called Krishna came dancing through, playing really weird music. it gave me such a bad feeling and it was even crazier to see all the young kids and teen go dance with them. after resting for a bit, we started moving towards a nearby park and the base of that big thing that looks kinda like the space needle. i'm not sure what it is called, but i posted a picture of it. while on our way, we passed by same sadists, wearing all black and just all around gross. the whole time i was just praying to be a light, where there is light there can be no dark... that was something we had talked about earlier in the week.

we moved through the crowd and into the park where we met two girls and a guy. this is where the story gets a bit shaky. since i can't speak german, i have know idea what was actually said in the conversations nancy and stefan had with any of the people we talked to. the girl's name was joann. she spoke english, so i tried to talk to her a little bit. apparently, while her real name is joann, at parties, she said people call her luna. she seemed like such a wonderful girl, but you could see in her eyes she was completely empty and sad. i wanted so much to just shake her and make her realize there were good people in the world, and a God that loves her more than she could ever imagine. unfortunately, i never got a chance because one of the guys she was with was having a hard time. throughout the course of our conversation, he broke up with his girlfriend (i think), she slapped him right in front of us, nancy was going to pray for him, but was interrupted by a phone call he got that caused him to throw a temper tantrum and punch a tree. so all three of them left.

all that took place over almost an hour. it was completely dark, and we didn't really know where we should go next. we started walking and after another 30 minutes to an hour we had pretty much decided we should just leave. we were all cold and tired and somewhat discouraged. there was definitely a sense of incompleteness (i know this isn't a word, but you get the drift.). we felt like we weren't done with what we came to do, but we didn't know exactly what we came for either. we started back through alexsanderplatz, giving people some food occasionally. nancy talked to a drug addict and gave him food. i've thought about him several times and wonder if he even remembers us giving him food and a drink. we started into the train station and immediately saw two girls and a guy sitting on the floor. they all looked pretty young, so nancy asked if they wanted any food. of course, like all teenager they did! again, this situation is sketchy for me because i don't speak german. while we were talking to the three of them two more girls walked up. one of the girls that was already sitting there was holding her forearm. they also had pet rats, two of them. i assumed that the rat had scratched her because i could see some blood. when the other girls sat down, i realized what was happening. they were cutters. they intentionally cut themselves, for whatever reason... stress relief, control issues, etc. however, they didn't just cut for those reasons. they didn't think tattoos were permanent enough, so they wanted to render certain things into their skin. one girl was cutting 'i want to be perfect' into her arm, WHILE we were sitting there.

i'm sure, if you know me very well, what my reaction was to all of this. the rats and the blood was almost more than i could stand. at one point she laid down the blade, on the ground, to wipe up the blood with a rag that, judging by the amount of blood, she'd been using for quite a while, and then picked up razor off the ground and continued cutting. i just wanted to scream, "STOP!!" it was so gross! don't even get me started on the rats!

nancy spoke to them, and told them of our story. at one point we had to move because they couldn't smoke in the station. they were all very intrigued by our story and why were in berlin. we ended up praying over them. the youngest, she was 12, was actually already a christian. stefan gave them a bible and we gave each of them some money. all four girls were so blessed and touch by us, they began to cry. when we prayed, all of us prayed for the exact same thing... that they could see how beautiful they really were and for them to know that God thought that they were perfect in his eyes. after this we played a song for them. while we did this, we drew the attention of another group of guys.

they were obviously drunk, possibly high. (side note: its interesting how many people I've seen rolling joints on the streets. I dont know if I'll ever get used to it either.) nancy ended praying for one of them, and he seemed completely changed. he even decided not to go party with his friends. his friends were completely pissed about that too.

in both cases, with the girls and the guys, they were so grateful they shook our hands, which is not customary to do with people who aren't your close acquaintances. i was so blessed by all of them! because of all this happening, we ended up not getting back to the church until 2 in the morning.

we woke up the next morning and rushed off to catch the earliest train home. it took quite a while, but we were delayed so we ended up having a long time in dresden. we walked out of the station to go get some food and who did we see? two other groups who were trying to get money to come home as well. they had some wonderful bread they shared with us and we were able to bless them with money for a train ticket.

and so we came home. and we had a hot shower (my hair was so gross. at one point i leaned on the window of the train and left a grease spot), a wonderful dinner complete with ice cream, and shared stories!

i hope that this story was able to bless you in some small way. i cannot express how much my life has been changed because of this wonderful, crazy, ridiculous journey. i wouldn't change it for the world.

have a wonderful day.
more stories to come.

just a normal friday friday afternoon...

...sitting on the rocks with some geese, turkey, and hens. this is more backwoods than san angelo. 

have a happy friday y'all!

part two.

so i believe i left off with the man that agreed to drive us to berlin. he couldn’t take us until after lunch time because he had some work to finish up. nancy explained that we only had five euro but he said he didn’t want our money. while we were waiting for him to take us we found a place to rest in the grass and just reflect and praise God for his provision. Menna needed to use the bathroom at one point so her and nancy found a bush to use. while menna was going she saw a piece a paper and asked nancy what it was... it was 10 euro. i’m not kidding. it was completely insane. they brought it back and we were all so excited. it was interesting because we all had the same feeling that this money was for something specific. God had a purpose for it and it wasn’t food. so we put it away and continued just resting and praying. nancy made some calls to the ymca to see if we could stay there in berlin. they unfortunately, or fortunately as we later learned, turned us down as well as one other place. stefan realized he had a contact and called him. it was actually a church called the jesus haus. the pastor wasn’t sure if we could sleep there because the church is in an office building but he was very eager to help us and try to arrange something for us. stefan knew the pastor because he ahd done some work on their website earlier in the year. the man called to take us, so we promptly met him at his business and loaded our stuff and soon we were on our way to berlin.

i just remember going through so many emotions while we were in the car. i can’t speak german (obviously) so i had NO idea what was being said and that just really frustrates me. i was hungry -- my stomach was actually hurting at one point. about 5 minutes after it started hurting the man offered us some donuts he had. it was the best donut i’ve ever had in my life! seriously. i went through a period where i felt like we were being trafficked and got a little freaked out. i was happy. it was absolutely crazy. nancy knew this was going to happen, she knew we were going to take a van. these kind of things have never happened in my life up until this point.

the man drove us all the way to the main train station in berlin. while we were in the car, the pastor at jesus haus called and said we could stay at the church and he would get us some food to eat that evening. we got to the station and checked the price of the ticket -- 15 euro. we had exactly enough. wow God, i still just can’t believe all this, even now. it was really hard to give up my euro though, i’ve never actually been completely broke without any way of getting money. this was a first for me. we bought the ticket, took a train and two busses and arrived at the jesus haus. as soon as we got there, jorg -- the pastor, and nancy went to get some food at the market. they came back with so much food. enough for dinner thursday, breakfast, lunch and dinner friday, and breakfast and lunch saturday! it was such a good meal... sandwiches, chips, chocolate, curry wurst (very interesting but good mystery dinner), veggies, and much more. over dinner we shared stories and worshipped and prayed with jorg. after jorg left around 9 we went straight to bed.

we woke up to breakfast, and we were warm and safe, and it was a wonderful feeling. there was even coffee. oooh coffee, it was lovely. after breakfast we all had a quiet time and decided to come together for worship and prayer to see where God was leading us for the day. before we started this stefan announced he had something he needed to tell us. he told us that jorg had talked to him the night before and given him an honorary contract for the work he’d done earlier in the year (to be honest, i have no idea what exactly that mean, but i know it’s important) and 300 euro. THREE HUNDRED EURO! we now had money to bless so many people with and i have to admit, my first thought was train fare!! stefan told us that he felt the money was for us to use and had no intention of using it for himself. i’m beginning to realize how hard it would be for me to give that money up if i was in his position. we prayed and felt a specific calling to the center of the city, blessing the homeless and the hungry, maybe teenagers. we decided it would be best to start at the brandonburg gate (i posted a picture earlier).

i that is where i leave you. stay tuned. get ready for some thoughts on our new lecture by Andy Bird, from Kona, HI!

God is love. God is great. be blessed.

YAY!!

Blogger has an iPhone app. Let the instagram spam begin!! I only shot film on the Berlin trip... So here's some cell pics:

skyping with the fam (2nd edition)

so they always make funny faces at me...

especially when i'm talking to the roomies and not them.

the fam.

all of them [minus raelye - she was sick]

seeing the girls made me cry... i'm not even gonna lie. 

i miss them sooo much.

g'night all!

part 2 of the story coming in the next two days.

i did everything my mother wouldn't do...

josiah randomly sprang a new assignment on us wednesday around lunchtime. for all of you who don't know who josiah is, which is everyone, because i haven't mentioned him yet, he is our school leader.

we didn't have a speaker this week, they never could find anyone who schedule worked out or didn't have other conflicts. so we've had staff members sharing stories of their own outreaches and other things God has done through YWAM. wednesday we had a girl share about how they came back from peru early and in debt and still had 2 or 3 weeks left in their outreach. they decided to just pull all the money they had, pray about where God wanted them to go and go. 

so josiah told us after this story that we were going to do something similar. they put us into groups of 4 and 5 with at least one german speaker and one guy. each of us was given a euro and encouraged to leave all our money at home. they wanted us to go bless others... whatever that meant was up to us. here's the deal, my first thought was 'Lord, please put me in a group with people i know!' yea, that didn't happen. i had never met any of my group except my leader. my group was Nancy, Menna, Stefan, and Brianna.

we immediately went outside and began to pray for direction and for each other. i can't even lie, i was freaking out on the inside. ONE EURO! you can't do anything with one, absolutely nothing. or that's what i thought on wednesday afternoon. this is the story of how much God can do with an obedient heart that is willing to go and do without doubt. as soon as josiah mentioned doing this, berlin was on my heart. the whole time we were praying it was always berlin. it's like God was screaming at me. 

[this was a totally new experience for me... i have never in my life felt like God was speaking to me so clearly and so directly.] 

my team prayed for comfort and confidence for me. Menna told me while we were praying that God wanted her to tell me that he is proud of me and loves me more than i'll ever be able to understand. obviously, i haven't ever mentioned that this is something i have been struggling with, shame about past sin and whether or not i'm on the right page. Menna telling me this totally broke down all my walls and i was able to put all my worry and control issues aside and do what God was directing me to do. i explained to me group that i've never been spoken to so directly and that i really felt God putting berlin on my heart. you should have seen their faces. Stefan apparently hates berlin, had the most hilarious look on his face. Nancy was so supportive and felt that she might be on the same page, but was going to pray about it. we ate lunch, gathered our things, met at Nancy's apartment and set out. we prayed and felt we should begin walking to Lobau with the possibility of hitchhiking, but we mainly decided to see what happened.

[Lobau is the closest train station]

our original intention was to sing on the street for money for a train ticket. however, it was a different story once we got there. we walked. and walked. and walked. its like about 10-11km between the two. it doesn't seem all that long, but hauling a backpack in the wind and in the grass, it seems like an eternity. we came to a bus stop and there happened to be a bus stop... Nancy spoke with the driver and he allowed us to get on without a ticket, but we would have to pay the fine if we got caught. it took us the last part of the walk to the edge of town. when we got off we were all hungry.. it was around 6:20 and we had left herrhut around 3:30-4:00. we debated on whether to go to a bakery before or after we went to the train station. i suggested we just start walking and if we see a bakery, stop and ask. incidentally we were right by an Aldi (the supermarket). Stefan, Nancy, and Brianna went in to ask if they had any extra bread for us to eat. Menna and i stayed with the bags.. the other three took the guitar to play for people in return for bread. as soon as i heard them singing, my heart was filled with joy. they brought back 5 buns. i've never been so happy for bread in my life. it was not coincidental that the bakery closes at 6:30 - we were right on time. we prayed and thanked God for blessing us with food. we continued to walk to the station, where we ran into 2 other groups on the way and then 2 groups at the station. we sang with them for a little while, but it was starting to get dark so me and Nancy began to look for a place we could sleep. we found a great place, and i use the word great loosely. it was under a huge tree that had limbs that came all the way to the ground creating a huge dome in the center to sleep under. i should probably point out that these trees were in the median of two roads... or four depending on how you look at it. the road kind of went a round the whole thing. so no matter what, you have to cross the road to get there. at some point we were joined by several other groups. there were so many people. it was dark around 8:30 so i went to bed early. 

[side note: over the course of this trip i began to call nancy, Mother Nancy. she's absolutely selfless, this girl is. she got one hour of sleep the first night because she was staying up keeping watch and she gave her sleeping bag to Menna, who didn't have one. she's wonderful.]

around 1:00 am the police came to our camp and asked to see everyone's passport. nancy came and got mine so i didn't have to get out in the cold. the next morning i thought to myself how silly that was... the  one thing my parents told me, KEEP YOUR PASSPORT! she brought it back as soon as the police were done with it though. this night was possibly the coldest night of my life thus far. i woke up around 3 shivering. every time i woke up i would just pray it was morning so the night would be over. other than that, i slept very well. when morning did finally come, we all agreed that it was best for us to separate ourselves from the big group. one of the other groups got warm buns for breakfast for everyone. they were absolutely LOVELY. lovely, i tell ya. we left the train station and prayed about where to go from there. it's interesting because i feel like in normal circumstances i would have been freaking out, but God had really given me a peace about the situation and i never really felt like things weren't in control. Nancy believed that we were going to take a van to berlin and not the train. apparently she believed that it was going to be a white van with a berlin license plate. i didn't really get any word from our prayer time. Brianna got the picture of an Orange (the fruit). Stefan thought we should move in the direction to berlin, not necessarily go all the way there. 

we walked two blocks and saw a van. a white van. a white van with berlin plates. this all happened while singing 'our God is an awesome God' i loved this because it reminded me of my mom when we would sing that in the car when i was little. i'm almost positive that is one of the first songs i learned. i distinctly remember singing with mom in the white surburban. great memories. moving on...

we waved at the guy driving the van and followed him into a construction site. Nancy, bold Nancy just started talking to the man. the conversation was in German, so i can't tell you exactly what was said, but it ended with the agreement that the man would drive us as soon as he finished his work around lunch. we decided to take it easy and rest while we were waiting. we found a random grassy patch and hung out. then the greatest thing happened. Menna was going to the bathroom in some bushes she found 10 euro. it was madness. we all believed that there was a specific purpose for this money so we agreed not to spend it. the guy called around lunch and we met him so he could drive us....

this is where i leave you today. stay tuned for the next part of the story. this is about the first 24 hours. 

God has taught me so much in the past 4 days. i slept under a tree. i hitch hiked. this is absolutely crazy. i also learned that through blessing others, God blesses you even more. God is great. God is a provider. God is love.

someday, we can have a cup of coffee, and hopefully i can fully explain all the things that don't translate to writing on this blog, all the things that i can't express in black and white. wow. God is good.

love you all so much. 

skyping with the fam.

taegan's drawing.

i didn't get one with dad, but i definitely will next time!

gobble gobble poop poop

this poor turkey.

we had a dance party saturday night (girls only) at the castle. the guys were having a 'men only' bar-b-que so we had to get back at them... you know, because guys are always sad to miss a dance party.

it was funny because we had so many rules to follow. we had to keep the windows closed while the music was on and then when we got hot we had to stop it and then open the windows. the guy leaders told us, "...and no screaming while the windows are open. we have neighbors." again, you know, because girls always scream.

so we were dancing, and being ridiculous. then opening the windows and trying to be quiet. it was so hot in the dining hall, the windows were fogging up. i'm not exactly sure when all hell broke loose, but all the sudden i see a whole bunch of guys at the door laughing, girls screaming, doors slamming, and then there was a turkey in the room. i'm sorry, no, you didn't read that wrong...

A TURKEY.

it was so scared it pooped.


and that's how our dance party ended, with a turkey.

kudos guys. excellent prank. i just wish i could have seen them trying to catch this poor thing.

a saturday afternoon

these are the roomies:

(clockwise from top left) Taylor, Terrill, Nicole, Me, and Jordan.

photobooth fun!

just a quick post.

we concluded our first week today.

as i’ve mentioned in the last post, Mike Oman has been speaking on the father heart of God. I want to bad to be able to explain and express how much God has been speaking to everyone here, but I’m just not sure how.

the whole concept of God as the Father is not new, but the way Mike explained it was totally new to me. he mentioned that our relationship with God is directly dependent on our relationships with our Earthly parents. Any issues will deal with in the Earthly world directly translates to our relationship with God. i'm going to try to write more about this soon, i'm just still trying to process everything.


one thing that really stuck out to me about Mike was that he hasn't drawn a paycheck in about 30 years. him and his wife did their first dts in ywam zimbabwe 30 years ago with two kids and have never looked back. they have since started several bases, talked all over their world, and effected many lives. he is truly an inspiration. he told us so many personal stories of God's provision, forgiveness, and love. there wasn't one session that didn't inspire, encourage, and convict me in one way or another.


that's all the brain can handle for tonight.
good night.

ps... i'm on my way to getting sick. please pray for a healing and rejuvenating weekend.

pps... please send me mail. i want mail.

watch this.

i got a wonderful opportunity to watch this tonight. it is really inspiring and eye-opening.

find it, buy/rent it, and watch it.
asap.

you won't regret it.

my day.

so here's a little preview of my days so far here at MOTA:

breakfast is at 7... i never make it, ever.
it's always the same. yogurt, with toppings like nuts and oats, and cereal equivalent to corn flakes.

then we have intercession from 8:30-9:30
we pray for refugees, the nation, and other world issues.
today we prayed for the people who aren't here, or maybe not coming that were supposed to.

9:30 is our first session.
this week, we've had Mike Oman talking about the Father Heart of God.
it has been wonderful this week, very emotional, and convicting. i will right more about this, but right now i'm just so overwhelmed by everything we've been talking about.

coffee break around 11.
there is coffee, hot tea, and fruit. this is actually my breakfast. i always have a banana and coffee.

11:30ish is session 2.
this is the same as session 1, an extension, if you will.

lunch @ 1.
this is our big meal. sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
seriously, no lie. we've had good meals and we've had mediocre meals. usually, its pasta or soup. since it's already cold, it's always 'cold weather' food.

after lunch is work duty from 2:30-4:30
we all have different duties in and around the castle. i'm on kitchen duty. we make the preparations for the  lunch the next day. it usually involves just cutting up veggies. let me just tell you... i cut up so many tomatoes today. i was gagging the entire time. oh, and i cut myself. whoops.

4:30-6:30 we have track meetings.
we've only been to one so far, so i don't know what this will be like. i'm assuming we'll be talking about photography, but that's just a guess, mind you.

then dinner.
sandwiches every night.
there's turkey... cheese (goat, brie, and others)... weird bread... liver wurst (like spam, but worse. it's spreadable meat. meat should not be spreadable.)

then we are free for the rest of the day.

and that's that.

going on a walk...

...into town.

here are some things i saw:

this makes me think of home.

"the hills are aliiiive"

that's for momma.

it takes forever to upload pictures.

more to come soon.

love.

hello. i'm alive!!

wow. what a journey. seriously... here it goes... the ridiculous story, about how i got lost in Berlin, got to camp, slept outside in a tent, wore the same clothes for almost four days, and have been totally out of touch since i arrived.... just wait. 

this will probably be long, and too much information, but you don’t have to read it. though i strongly encourage it, it’s a wonderful story, one I will never forget.

i arrived in berlin on time around 1:45 my time (which is 7 hours ahead of your time it you are in the central time zone). we didn’t go through customs, which i thought was weird - they stamped my passport and that was it. i thought there would be more to that process. anyways - moving on... so we talked to information at the airport to find our bus to get to the train station. getting on and off the bus was an adventure in itself, or not really... just a hassle. the bus is where every problem of the day was born. we got off at the wrong stop. there was a subway station, but not the main train station. we called the base, they said we needed to find the hoftbahnhof (main train station) - i think that is how you spell it. well we deliberated for a while and decided to try to ask someone. it took us forever to find someone who knew what we wanted and could help us. we ended up taking two subways and two trains to get to Lobau (Berlin to Dresden - Dresden to Lobau) and then they picked us up and brought us to Herrhut. (side note, it is pronounced herrnhoot... it cracks me up) we hadn’t eaten all day, so we grabbed some dinner/lunch in Dresden. i was so thirsty so i bought two bottles of water, it nded up being bubbly. ew. gross. no thank you.

when we got picked up at Lobau the staff showed us our room and told us to get stuff to sleep outside. I grabbed my tennis shoes, jacket, long sleeve shirt, pillows, and sleeping bag. i missed the opening ceremony, but apparently the scenario was as follows:

we were refugees, who had to leave our home because of war. we went to a camp, which was outside the castle. there was rolled plastic, and we were divided into groups to sleep.

i slept with three other girls, it was a very interesting experience. it was cold and damp, and we were sleeping on hill so we slowly rolled off the plastic that was under and over us. fortunately jet lag was on my side, i was so tired i slept well the entire night. the next morning we were allowed in the castle for breakfast. apparently, we weren’t supposed to bring our stuff inside (i didn’t get the memo), and when we came back inside they announced we had to leave it in the castle, and make due with what we have outside. do i even need to mention how freaked out i was?!

day 2 wasn’t too crazy -- besides worrying about sleeping without a sleeping bag or pillow. we went for a looong walk through the forest and town. they even teased us saying that we could go to the store for snacks... oh hey, everything is closed on sunday. completely cruel joke. we also had to share a bowl of food at dinner with another person. ashley, the girl i traveled with was mine. let me tell you... after the crisis of getting to base and sharing food, we are pretty close. in fact, i’d say she is probably one of my best friends here. night number 2 was pretty much ridiculous. we built tents during the day, so we had shelter, but unfortunately there was a prediction of rain during the night. we stayed outside until 4:30 and they finally let us come inside the castle. there was barely any rain before we went in, but the lightening was really bad. 

all this scenario ended last night. it rained all day so they decided to call the the activity off because the weather was so bad, it would have been a health issue. 

i could not have been more relieved. throughout this experience we talked about refugees and what they have to go through to get to a camp that might not even have what they need or be able to accept them. this is very prevalent in kenya because of the problems with somalian government and civil war. our base actually has teams working at a camp in kenya that has almost a half of a million people in it. we prayed for them today and the governments.

so that was my first three days of ywam... pretty crazy huh?

i wouldn’t change a thing.

the deep breath before the storm.

wow. less than 48 hours and i will be on a plane to take me to the other side of the world.

ready or not.. here it comes.


here's what is on my mind:

• i have so much to do.
• what's more important: jeans, shoes, or coats. (i'm only semi-joking about this)
• i hate goodbyes.
• am i ready for this?
• i hate packing.
• is my camera bag/carry on too heavy?
• if so, it doesn't matter because i can't fit anymore in my suitcases.
• goodbyes are lame.
• skype is not like real life (read: i'm not ready to leave some people behind)
• maybe i should look into shipping everything over there. expensive much?
• i'm not a fan of goodbyes.

i might have left a few things out, but this sums up it.

i need prayer.

good night all. 

so many blessing.

last night this wonderful group of people took time out of their day to come and pray over me. i cannot express what a wonderful blessing it was, and how much it meant to me. this whole process has made me realize how many people i have in my life that care about me (and my parents) and pray for me on a daily basis. i have been so overwhelmed and over joyed by the response i've had in regards to my trip.

thank you all so much for your prayers, they are greatly appreciated. i love you all so much.

[clockwise from top-left: wayne, gary, janice, hoot, kathy, me, malinda, and lisa]

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

My mom sings this song all the time. I'm not exaggerating, literally all the time.
I've grown up hearing it all my life, and today, I think I could sing it from the rooftops.

I came home from lunch and running errands with my mom, only to check the mail and find $1100.

Eleven. Hundred. Dollars.

I'm fully funded now. I've been given $5000 in all, from my church, friends, and family.


God is Great. God is Good.

Only 9 days until I begin this wonderful journey.

Is That Really You, God?

I'm currently reading this book, per YWAM requirements.

Wow, I'm only 40 pages in, and I absolutely love it.

If you'd like to know more about YWAM and how it got started it's the perfect book. It's actually a biography of the founder, Loren Cunningham. It is amazing to see the story unfold from a vision to reality.

Unless, the next 150 pages are nothing like the first 40, this book gets 5 stars. No doubt.

Current Total:

$1310.00

I'm currently in the process of writing Thank You notes to all of you who have so graciously donated money to me! (I apologize for taking so long to write them.) I obviously won't know exactly how much I will need for my outreach because of several reasons including: I don't know where I'm going yet, plane ticket prices, and the fluctuation of the Euro. They say that it could be anywhere from 2,000-3,000 Euro or $2,980-4255. So, I'm pretty much just shy of halfway.

Thanks to my wonderful church, I have money for my plane tickets to Germany and back, and probably a little more -- depending on prices.

Last but certainly not least, and possibly most importantly... a hugmongus thanks to my parents -- they agreed to pay for the lecture phase of the school, which is 1860 Euro. Seriously, this trip would not be possible without them supporting me 110% Not only have they paid for the lecture phase, thanks to them, I also have my backpack, new luggage, a six months supply of makeup, shampoo, conditioner, snow boots... me and mom have been buying things I need throughout the past few months so that I all wasn't crammed into one massive purchase.

I cannot express just how much I appreciate your prayers and financial support while I'm gone. I'm awed everyday by God's provision and blessing on this trip. I'm constantly reassured that this is where I belong.

[There was a time, not too long ago, when I thought I would never be able to say that. For almost the past year, I've felt as though I've been going through the motions, trying to feel something, feel alive, waiting for my life to start... not anymore! This is it!!]

Happy Monday

Bought this book today...

I've always wanted to do this bible study, but never got a chance. So I'm just gonna read the book on my own... I'll let you know how it is.

I've been writing this post for days...

I once heard somebody say, "I'm killing myself with nostalgia"

That's what I'm doing.
And I haven't even left yet. In fact, I still have 4 weeks left, less than that actually.

I've been thinking about the past so much lately. About friends, college, summers... I have so many memories in this town. I have so much family here, so many ties. Recently, I've had many changes and there's only going to be more. I that God's timing had a hand in all of this, and I know that should make me feel better, which it does, but at the same time, it still hurts.
I'm going to miss my mom. A LOT.
Cliche much? Yes, but I don't care. We spend quite a bit of time together, especially since I don't have as many friends living here as I used to.
I'm having hard time wondering how I'm going to manage without my family.
I've been thinking about all the things I'm going to miss...

the little stuff, like hilarious things the girls say, Kynlee cooking me cupcakes, Emma giving me kisses, spontaneous shopping/movie dates with my mom, and swimming with my parents and listening to their ridiculous banter.

and the big stuff, like THREE new babies, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Taegans 4th Birthday, and Taeyle's 6th, and making candy with Michelle, Hillery, Deanna, and Charlotte at Granny's House.

It's really hard knowing that I won't be here for all of that, to experience it, to count presents under the tree, to take pictures of it.
It's just so bittersweet. I'm ready to do my thing, live my life, find my passion, do what I love... but that doesn't mean that there aren't things that I'm going to miss. I know I'll make new friends, have my own new family... but I like my old one. Can't everyone come with me? That would just be wonderful.

With that being said...
My skype name is christinaself1
I would love to hear from you, see your face, hear your voice... so add me if you have skype. We'll talk.
But e-mail me with your name so I know to accept you, if I don't know who it is I ignore the request.

I know I just posted, but I just started my Quiet Time and was looking for some verses about God's provision, etc... (see last post)

While turning to another verse, in Exodus, I happen to put my finger in a place in Psalm. I know this makes no sense, but after reading Exodus, I turned to the place where my finger was (wondering why my finger was holding a place that was neither Exodus nor the index) and it was Psalm 67. Here it is:

May God be gracious to us and bless us
  and make his face shine above us,
that your ways may be known on earth,
  your salvation among all nations.


May the peoples praise you, O God;
  may all the peoples praise you.
May the nations be glad and sing for joy,
  for you rule the peoples justly
  and guide the nations of the earth.
May the peoples praise you, O God;
  may all the peoples praise you.


Then the land will yield its harvest,
  and God, our God, will bless us.
God will bless us,
  and all the ends of the earth will fear him.

                                              --Psalm 67

This is my prayer.

Be blessed today.